Confession Friday (Foot Fetish)

#ConfessionFriday

I have a foot fetish. No... like for realz... I like feet.

One time, my thing for feet played a good trick on me.. I was looking down as I walked through the store. And I just happened to notice these amazingly beautiful feet in some sandals. No paint on the toenails, smooth-lookin skin, clean, flat-toes with no extra knuckles, it didnt even look like she had a fresh pedicure, but just some naturally good-looking feet.

My first thought was "Wow her feet are gorgeous."

My second thought was "Slowly look up and check out how she looks in the face."

My third thought was "Wait... Are those men's sandals? I think those are men's sandals. Im pretty sure those are men's sandals."

My fourth thought was "Oh God no!"

My fifth thought was "Well, women can wear men's sandals, right? Nothing to worry about. But now I have to know if this is a man or woman. Jayé... Look up."

<I slowly look up. And in fact the person turned out to be a butch lesbian. So, although she had on men's clothing, and had a masculine look (from haircut to face & neck tattoos), she was still female, so I felt better.>

Confession Friday ('DingDong Hunt')

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ONE TIME, I GOT TRICKED INTO LOOKING FOR DUDES' PENISES. Here's what happened...

Me, my homeboy, and two girls were at my apt playin cards. We had a football game on the TV. One of the girls said "All those players' pants are so tight. But I dont see no bulge. Do they cut off their penises in order to play?"

I was liike... "Nah, they wear protective cups so that they dont get hurt down there during the game."

She said... "I dont see no cups. Just missing penises."

So I walked to the TV (mind you, it's a 73" TV), and said "Look!", and I started pointing at a player's crotch, and tellin her to look closely and you can see that there is a cup bcuz of the slope where the pants come in at the pelvis line. I paused the channel. Then switched to ZOOM on the screen display. Like... I was seriously tryna convince her that the shape in the crease of the pants and how you can tell he was wearin a cup.

Then my homeboy got too fed up, and slammed his beer down on the table and shouted "Jayé, what the heck are you doin!" (He didnt say "heck" btw. What he said started with an "f"). He was like "Why are you all up on the screen pointing at men's dingalings. Bruh, if she ont see the cups, then she ont see the cups. You dont need to be a TV football crotch expert."

They all busted out laughin at me. I was so embarrassed. Although by mistake, the girl got me. I was stuck in place, finger still on the crotch, not laughin with them, but just thinking on what to do next...
1. Join them in laughter and continue having fun
2. Kill the girls, hide their bodies, and make a pact with my homeboy never to tell anyone about that
3. Kill the girls and my homeboy and hide all of their bodies
4. Wait 10 years and share the story on Facebook
(I went with options 1 & 4.)

Confession Friday (Court LOL)

#ConfessionFriday

One time, I unintentionally made an entire courtroom burst into laughter. The Traffic Court Judge, the Clerk, the Bailiff, the attorneys, and everyone else in the courtroom waiting for their case to be heard... I had them rollin. Here's what happened...

Judge told the courtroom that he would hear "guilty plea" cases first and instructed us to line up (while the "not guilty plea" cases were to remain seated). When it was my turn, I gave the Clerk my name. She found the summons and announced the charge to the Judge and asked me and the arresting Officer to step up.

JUDGE: You're charged with reckless driving: 79mph on a 55mph zone. How do you plead?
ME: Guilty, your Honor.

JUDGE (to Officer): Was he cooperative?
OFFICER: Yes, the gentleman was very cooperative. No problems at all.

JUDGE (to ME): Where were you headed?
ME: To my girlfriend's house

JUDGE: Was she hurt?
ME: No, your Honor.

JUDGE: Was there another kind of emergency going on?
ME: No, your Honor.

JUDGE: Son, I'm trying to help you out here. Is there a reason you were driving so fast?
ME: Uhh, her parents had left. And we had a window of time to be alone. And... I'm kinda embarrassed to say this... but... this was going to be our <air quotes> "first time". So, I really didn't want to miss the chance.

*Judge and everybody laughed*

JUDGE: Okay. Um, listen... I appreciate your honesty, young man. And because of that... here's what I'm gonna do for you. You have a good driving record. I do find you GUILTY. But I'm gonna reduce it to a non-reckless driving charge and bring it down to 70mph. So 15mph over the speed limit at $5 per mile overage comes to $75 + Court Fees. Go through that door over there and pay your fines. Be careful and be safe.... with driving, and everything else. Okay?
ME: Yes, your Honor. Thank You. However, I have another charge.

JUDGE: Huh? You mean today? In what courtroom? Are you late? Do you need a note that you were here?
ME: No, your Honor. The charge is in this courtroom.

JUDGE: This afternoon?
ME: No. I believe it was also for the 9am Hearing... right now... with you, your Honor.

*CLERK finds second summons with my name and hands it to JUDGE. JUDGE calls up the Officer for that charge*

JUDGE: Wow! Haha. Okay... Umm... Illegal U-turn at [intersection] on [date], later on the same night of the speeding charge. Is there anything you'd like to tell me about this?
ME: It was after I left my girlfriend's house. I was so excited about what had just happened, I missed my turn. And so much was on my mind, I didn't even notice the "No U-Turn" sign. I was eager to get back home so I could just smile myself to sleep.

*Judge and everybody laughed again*

JUDGE (to Officer): Any problems?
OFFICER: No not at all.

JUDGE (to ME): This is probably the luckiest day you're gonna have here. Thank you for being so honest. I'm gonna find you Not Guilty and dismiss this charge. Go out and pay the fines for the speeding charge. Dont let see you back in here.

Confession Friday (Dad's Car)

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When I was 15, I skipped school, stole my Dad's car, and went to meet some girls in person for the first time. And of course... NOTHING WENT RIGHT!!

I had gotten my license exactly at 15 years and 8 months. But Pops wouldn't let me take his car alone. At the time, he worked 12-hour shifts at his job, 7am to 7pm, and he always brought his lunch with him. So, my idea was to get a friend to drop me off at his job's parking lot in the morning (after 7am) and come back to get me in the evening (before 7pm). I was gonna have a nice and fun day in my Dad's car... and he was never gonna know what hit him!... Unless he was meticulous about checking his gas tank... because I had no intention of putting gas in it. It all started off so smoothly!...

I stole his spare car key prior to the day I planned for my joyride. I got a Homie to agree to skip school with me (not the friend that was dropping me off/picking me up). My Homie and I used to talk to girls on the "Chatline" and in some cases, we'd meet them in real life. *SIDEBAR: The Chatline was a telephone social/dating service.* <DISCLAIMER: I'm not admitting any of this with pride.> Okay, so the girls we were planning to meet this time from the Chatline were from Petersburg. Our parents weren't gonna drive us to Petersburg to meet up with some girls we met on a telephone social/dating service. And we couldn't think of any kind of excuse that would get our parents to drive us down there. **SIDEBAR: For my non-local friends... Petersburg is about 20miles or so south of where I grew up: Richmond VA.** Okay, so the girls said they could meet us at Southpark Mall in Petersburg during school hours (they were skipping too). My homie and I said "Bet!".

So, I got my friend to drop me off at my Dad's car probably around 11ish or so. I got in and drove off and headed to pick my Homie up. We called the girls and said "We're on the way!" We asked them to describe their outfits so we'd know how to find them once we got there. We got to Southpark Mall and walked around, but we never told the girls we were there and we didn't describe our outfits to them. So... we saw them... and oh boy they looked NOTHING LIKE how they described on the phone. Not complexion, not shape/weight/height/size, not hairstyle... nothing was how they described. But their outfits were spot-on.... so we knew it was them. We didn't say anything to them. We just walked around the mall for a little while, as it was our first time at that mall. We crossed paths with the girls a few times, but tried not to make eye contact. They called a couple times, but I just didn't answer the phone. And finally... I guess it was maybe the 3rd time we crossed each other when walking around the mall... one girl was bold enough to stop us and say "Hey, Are you Jaye and <Homie's Name>?". We said... "Nah." and we kept walking. But I know they knew it was us. But after that... we just left and came back home. **If you must know... we didn't talk to those girls again.**

Okay. So... getting Pop's car back. I dropped Homie off and hit my friend (driver) up to let him know to pick me up from my Dad's job soon. On my way to Pop's job... maybe 3 blocks away... as I was crossing an intersection going maybe 40mph, a stupid squirrel dashed across the street. I freaked out and panicked and swerved to avoid it. And sure enough I ran into the median strip and "Boom" blew the driver side front tire! There were no cars near me and I wasn't hurt. But at that point of my life... I knew absolutely nothing about cars... in fact, it's probably safer to say that I knew less than nothing about cars. I had no idea what to do about the busted tire. I just pulled over to the right side. I was soooo sad, nervous, scared... cuz I thought Pops was gonna kill me. This was during the time when he'd punch me in the chest if I did or said something he really didn't like. So I just knew he was gonna flip out and I was never gonna be able to drive again. But... because I didn't know what to do myself, and the fact that I was so close to his job... I called my Dad. I confessed that I stole the car and that now I was stuck on the side with a busted tire. He took off from his job, had a friend drive him to me, and he put a donut on it. Then he had me return him to work and told me to go to a tire shop to get a used tire. He was totally cool about everything (to my surprise). All he asked me to do was pay for the tire and for gas. After that, he actually let me drop him off at work every day so I could drive to school. I had no idea how such an irresponsible act led to him trusting me. But I didn't complain!

Confession Friday (Clouds)

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When I was 21, I very embarrassingly learned how low clouds form/float.

My then-girlfriend and I were heading to St. Thomas. **SIDEBAR: Mentioning that we were traveling to St. Thomas is actually irrelevant, as it has nothing to do with the story... but I felt like telling you anyhow.** Okay, so... we were sitting on the airplane... in a window seat. **NOTE: Now is a good time for me to say that this was my first time on a plane.** Alright... soon after we took off, I looked out the window. Im pretty sure we hadnt reached plateau height and that we were still climbing. I saw all this white mess down below us. And not having a clue about what I was looking at... I shamelessly asked my GF: "Hey, what is all that white stuff down there?"

At that moment when I asked that question, I didnt realize how loud I was or that other people heard me. It wasnt like someone turned around to offer an answer before her or anything. So my GF leaned over me and looked out the window and said: "What white stuff?"
Then I said: "THAT white stuff!!" and pointed.
Then my GF said: "Are you serious?"
Then I said: "Yo stop looking at me like that. What is it? Is that smoke?"
**SIDEBAR: Dont sit on the wing-seat of a plane, look out the window, and mention seeing smoke. That's when I realized how loud I was, cuz a bunch of people turned to look at me to figure out what I was looking at.**
So then my GF said: "Fool, those are clouds!"

Ok. So a few things came from that:
1. Everybody busted out laughing at me cuz they could see that I was seriously shocked to find out I was really looking at clouds and I didnt know that.

2. Normally... "fool" is a totally acceptable, playful banter type of insult. But in that situation, I wanted to curl up, hide, and cry. I was so embarrassed.

3. For some reason, it didnt come to me that planes flew that high! Or even better... that clouds form so low to ground. Im not sure where my head was at, but I should have known better. I think I was in such shock & awe of being on an airplane, that every bit of sense just escaped me.

**SIDEBAR: Now is good time for me to randomly mention some things...
i) In the 10th grade, for the Chemistry SOL, I scored the 3rd highest in the state

ii) I was the only 11th grader at my high school taking AP Calculus

iii) I won tons of Math & Science awards and competitions throughout my school career

iv) I was Store Director (Manager) of Hollywood Video (a movie/game rental retail store) when I was only 19... second youngest GM in the whole country (there was an 18yo Manager in Oregon)

v) I attended VCU for Electrical Engineering

vi) I'M SMART.

Oh... and before you say anything... shut up!

Confession Friday (Bro Setups)

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I am responsible for 99% of my older Brother's beatings.

My older Brother lived his first five years as an only-child before I was born. He was definitely a poster child of sorts; never mischievous as a toddler, always listened, started school early, etc. Even for a few years after my birth, Big Bro was taking advanced classes in elementary, breaking records in spelling bees, taking martial arts, gymnastics, sign language... all that. He never got in any trouble at school, at home, or anywhere else. He was a model child. But when I was around 4y/o... I didn't like the attention he was given. So I came up with this masterful devious plan that worked for a whole year before I got caught.

When Mom wasnt looking, I would pick a fight with Big Bro; I'd shove him, or kick his feet, or pinch him, or repeatedly poke him, or stand in his way, and any other typical annoying sibling behavior. He would eventually get mad and retaliate. And no matter what his retaliation was, I would super overreact! And boy did I sell it well! It didnt matter if he pinched me back, kicked me, shoved me, or whatever..... I would fall hard on the floor and scream "Ouuuuch!" as loud as I could and start crying (Im talking real tears). Mommy would hear the ruckus and come out and give Big Bro super spankings! Yep... at 9 years old, Mom was still beating him. *She got that from Grandma*. Big Bro would beg and plead and tell her that I was faking and he didnt hit me that hard or hurt me. But my tears were soooo believable. Cuz then she'd beat him more for lying.

After countless times of getting away with setting Big Bro up for a spanking... Mommy finally caught me. I picked a fight with Bro in the hallway. Bro barely touched me... and I took off running down the hall -- Im talkin jet speed -- and ran straight into the closet door forehead first! I fell back on the floor and screamed "Mommy!! Lyn pushed me into the wall!!" and then I started crying. *This ALWAYS worked!* But little did I know... when Mom first heard the commotion in the hallway, she poked her head out of her bedroom door, and I didnt notice it. She witnessed the WHOLE thing and watched me deliberately sprint into the closet door. She came out her room steaming mad. At this point, I'm internally smiling cuz I know Big Bro is about to get the business. Even HE was scared and put his hands up and was like "Ma, he's lying!". Mom said "I know. I saw him." and walked past him and headed toward me. I wasnt cursing at 4, but if I was... I would have said "Oh shhh!" with the fear behind it like no one has said before.

Mannnn... did my Mom beat me something good! She was relentless. I mean... this wasnt a regular disciplinary beating. This was emotional for her. She spanked me for lying to her (discipline), for fooling her (embarrassment), for causing Big Bro to be spanked (guilt), to prove to my Grandma that she had it in her to beat her adorable, 'innocent' baby boy (validation). It was a whooping that I could never forget. Big Bro stood against the hallway wall... laughing and smiling as hard as he could. Oh, it was a sweet victory for him. Between the <whacks> and the sounds of my own shouts of pain... I could hear the snarky "Haha that's what you get!", "Bet u wont do that no mo!", "How does it feel?!" My t-shirt was drenched in a mixture of tears, saliva, and snot. My butt and legs were sooo sore; I legitimately had to lay down on my belly, face buried in the pillow... for HOURS before I was able to get up and walk around. And that's when I learned about karma. Geez!

(#RIPLyn *Feb 1979 - Jan 2006*)

Confession Friday (Black Dominican)

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I used to convince date prospects that I was half Black, half Hispanic.

This was all in my mid-teen years when I worked at a Dairy Queen and then at the mall (Cloverleaf). I would holla at girls and tell them that I was mixed with Black and Dominican. I'd show them my ID... because my middle name is "Sanchez". Plus, I was fluent enough in Spanish to have full conversations with native speakers. So I would say somethin cheesy in Spanish and then translate it for them. Then I would smile and wink at them. And oh boy they ate it up! They thought it was sooo cute! Lol. I told them my hair came from my Black side. But my long eye lashes and medium brown eye color (as opposed to dark brown) came from my Dominican side. Hahaha. It worked erry time!

**Sidebar: Both my parents are Black, and I dont even have Hispanic lineage on either parent's side (to our knowledge). Also, Idk where "SANCHEZ" (my middle name) originally came from. I do know that my Mom's Brother, Gregory, died when they were teenagers and his middle name was "Sanchez". And I just so happened to be born on the same day that my (deceased) Uncle Gregory was born. So, in honor of him, Mom gave me his middle name. However, my Grandparents passed away before I could ask them why they gave Uncle that middle name. (Out of the other 3 boys and 1 girl that my Grandparents had, no one else has Hispanic middle names.)